Caution: If hearing or reading about someone bearing their true innermost thoughts makes you uncomfortable, don’t read this:   If you truly appreciate the human condition, then you might find something positive here.

When I first built out the studio,  I had a single, very simple purpose in mind. I created a space where I could host a surprise birthday party for a very special woman,  my partner at the time and the love of my life. I succeeded and it was an awesome party!! and she was happy and smiled…and my heart swelled.  Afterwards, what was I to do with such a cool space? Hence, Sustenance Cooking Studio was born…  and it was good, and beautiful. Our definition of Sustenance was “Providing of being provide the necessaries of life” .. Food, drink, art, music… but more importantly community.  I wanted this place, this concept, which by every definition was unique and eclectic, to be a haven from the insanity and stresses of everyday life, where you could step through that peaceful green door and “shake the dirt of life” and find comfort. If only for a few moments.

During the two years that the studio operated, I was privileged to witness and experience magnificent beauty and wonder! I met so many wonderful souls who sought out this haven for their own reasons, what ever those might be. Classes, events, private parties… it was wonderful. There were many people who came on board and tried to contribute their knowledge, wisdom, and passion… So many wonderful people. I don’t need to drop names, but if your reading this, THANK YOU.  As the studio began to take on a life of it’s own, I resisted because I had absolutely NO idea what I was doing, and truth be told, should have stepped out of the way and let other more capable persons handle the day to day.

As the studio started grow, my personal reasons for creating this space began to make themselves more evident.  For me, Sustenance was a place for healing and redemption for past transgressions, real or perceived. I bought into, and believed with all of my being that Sustenance would grow and become a model for what is truly important in life: You, we, us… community coming together to support each other in every situation, extending hands full of compassion, empathy, acceptance. With good food as the binding ingredient. Those you you who were fortunate enough to actually experience Sustenance Cooking Studio, hopefully found that.

Now comes the uncomfortable part. Most persons will consider the following very personal and not to be discussed in a public forum. But I believe it to be very important. For most of the last three years, I have been suffering. there are several reasons contributing to said suffering, but suffice to say that I fell into an increasingly deep depression. As I pushed harder to make the studio a success, to be able to support MY family financially, I began to lose myself. I did not realize at the time what was happening, only that I was struggling and becoming a bigger jerk…

When Sophie came into our lives, shortly after the studio opened, I realized that I would never be able to provide for my family, even the basic comforts… that the brunt of financial support fell on my partner and that was not fair. My sense of self worth, my self esteem hovered close to zero… my basic insecurities kicked in and manifested itself to the point where I began to believe that I was worthless. I masked what was happening to me emotionally with bravado, swagger, anger and untruths. I would ask everyone who came through the door, “how are you doing? Hows your day? what was the best part of your day?” When persons asked about me, My standard reply was, “I have an exceptional existence”. That was a lie. And I was in denial about what was going on with me and how it was affecting my relationships with the people in my life, and particularly the one person who held my heart…  I damaged relationships, some beyond repair. Please forgive me.

When I closed Sustenance on July 30, 2011 I lost a bigger piece of me than could have ever imagined, and went further into darkness, despair and depression… I was lost, rudderless and getting worse… my self esteem was a negative zero, and my insecurity continued to take it’s toll… I was in denial that anything was wrong with me. I flirted again and again with the idea that I could resurrect Sustenance only to run into one wall after another. And my sense of worthlessness grew. My relationship with the love of my life deteriorated to the point of no return. The one person in my life who knows everything about me and still truly loved me, I hurt and scared the most…. and this magnificent woman still loved me enough to give me one last gift: She was brave enough to point out the obvious… I was not healthy… and she went away.

Over the last several months I have been working with a counselor, addressing my issues and getting healthier.  It has not been easy.. its frightening to look at one’s self deeply and confront the demons that have long overstayed their welcome, but I highly recommend it. I have said many times that I want to know someone on a deeply cellular level… to love someone that deeply. I am coming to know myself.. and to love myself… to forgive myself… to show compassion to me. Something long overdue.. Each day passes and I am finding good pieces of myself again. I am getting healthier.. and In time, I will have exercised those negative and unreal feelings, and will be free to genuinely smile from my soul.

Now, you may wonder why has this man shared something so personal, so uncomfortable… It’s because if by sharing this painful part of my life I am able in some small measure to make a positive difference in this world, in your world, then we will have succeeded in one of  the goals of Sustenance Cooking Studio, to leave this place better than how we found it.  There are many of us out there who need to know they are not alone and they are cared for.

For those who I have hurt or offended in any manner, I hope for  your forgiveness and an undeserved measure of grace.  Please go forward with understanding and most importantly, be kind, be kind, be kind, with each other, and also with yourself …and never let a day go by with out saying ” I LOVE YOU”… and please, Go and visit, go and share.

I am Seamus.

Thursday night the organization, SINGLE PAIR held a meeting with major, faith community leaders to discuss the importance of accessible  health care for each individual.  Walter Heath, a volunteer community leader from Morro Bay, has devoted himself for the past seven years to educating individuals about health care.  According to Mr. Heath, the United States remains the only developed country without a health care system, ” we are a market place hodge-podge” of a country he says, regarding health care of course.

 On Thursday he continued his outreach and invited these individuals to Sustenance.  He chose our studio for many reasons. However, his main reason was “the feel of this place, how Sustenance lends itself to the community among other things.” 

 What you should take away from this is Mr. Heath’s ambition and idea.  He cares passionately about a subject and implemented a plan to put ideas into motion. What he says about Sustenance–the feel, community, and the self-lending nature, remains true.  Seamus is one of the most caring and hard working individuals around–unless his Irish side takes over, ha! (Just Kidding!)  From the people inhabiting our home to the interns that work here, most work for only food and to keep the philosophy behind Sustenance alive. 

We are not necessarily supporting or not supporting all of our sustenance family’s causes; however, we sincerely care about our community and our sustenance family, which all of you are a part of.  Just by reading this we have become a part of your day–perhaps we become your food for thought? 

Over time you will understand our passion for individuals living life to it’s fullest.  Don’t get stuck in the daily grind.  Come find yourself at Sustenance, whether that path may be through food, play, communication, or solitude.

 Where else can you find brilliant minds in their place of salvation?